It’s been almost a year, Ishy


July 8, 2015 will be one year since you left us, Ish. A lot of stuff has changed in the last year – and surprisingly little at the same time. If you were here, you would know exactly what I mean, despite your young age, as you would be 6 years old as of last December. You would have started school this year. I always wondered why my gut didn’t tell me it was time to start  preparing you for your start in kindegarden – now I know that God knew you would not be here.

Your dad is healing, as you know. He’s WP_20150210_10_04_09_Pro healing every day. We both miss you but he’s more…emotional about it than I tend to be though I miss you just as much. We have a “Wall of Ish” in our new apartment – you’d love this apartment – so much more room for you to Tigger-bounce around in.




WallofIshaq44 I’m sure you remember these – you completed them in preschool and I wish I had you around to watch you learn more and more about the planets you were clearly interested in – and you had such potential. God, Ishy, though I would NOT bring you back even if I could – and in many ways, envy you already having passed this life and graduated into your new home, I still miss you so much. I trust you are taking care of Jude and visiting with your grandpa who, though never having had anything to do with you while you were alive, has likely reached a new level of understanding far surpassing my own. While you were on earth, you had nothing – and you had everything. You really ever had one home, as we moved around a lot and were homeless often, but you had two parents who would both have happily have lain down dead for you. We did our best, taught you right, didn’t let you get away with just any old thing. You were so smart, honey. We miss you every day.


You and me in Chico, California on a hot summer’s day (hence the heightened darkness) in front of the book store we went to for the purpose of accessing the Internet.


Also in Chico, at the park. This is a picture I created with you and Daddy long before you went to be with God. So glad I still have it.


You laying in the leaves at Aunt Joanna’s house in Iowa City, IA, you playing with Shay, your cousin.


One of few family pictures we have from our time in northern California, this one at that motel we stayed at for months. You remember- you locked yourself in and sat there laughing at us while Daddy climbed in tiny little window to get to you. LOL You were really something, my son.


You sitting on my bad at the Torres Shelter in Chico, CA, working on your letters and numbers. You were so smart, Ishy.


You sitting on the bed pretending my remote was a phone. You were sucha little card. ;-)

I walk past your memorial site all the time. It’s still right there, where you died. There are 2 giant bears and two smaller ones. People come by all the time; I know because I can see when they’re changed around or set back up or whatever. Ishy, though you didn’t meet too many people, you made people love you. Not hard at all, my son – very easy, in fact.10421279_10152696447426256_1167706044977691652_n The lady who sent you to heaven is in a program for felons called COMCOR. We’ve gone to her family’s house and broke bread. We’ve spent time together with her son who was about a year younger than you. You and he and his cousin would all have been wonderful friends.

Daddy and I haven’t changed all that much. Our way of life has, I guess, but our attitudes are much the same; we still like spending time together talking like we always have since we met.

I can’t wait to come home, Ish. I can’t wait to spend time with you in your current form as I know it will be different by the time we see each other again. I still hope to meet you brother, Karl, and your sister, Katrina, again once they try to find me and I still believe they will.

I will see you soon, honey. Keep a spot open for me and Daddy.


All my love,

Your Momma

Peace of Mind or Piece of Retribution

Hello, Friends!

Six months ago, my husband and my life changed forever. Our much beloved son, Ishaq, was killedV__2860 and my husband severely injured when they were struck by a car on a dangerous road going way too fast. The driver was going too fast, tried to over correct and came at them at more than 50 mph and killed Ish immediately. Raphael (daddy) was thrown more than 41 feet back into the parking lot. Suffice it to say that his tibia (shin bone) was sticking through his skin (which is why I won’t show you the picture – it’s REALLY gruesome) leading to amputation of his leg below his knee. His pelvis was an “open book” fracture (which means that the front area that protects the bladder was completely open, setting his bladder outside of the pelvis). His right shoulder was also broken, requiring surgeries and pins. His femur also had to have pins put in it from the 2 breaks it sustained. WP_20140712_09_25_19_Pro 10537127_10152114973671256_4655963110831394502_n

Losing Ish was a huge blow – he was our pride and joy and like all parents, we would have died for him. Raphael and I were married 3 years before Ishaq came along – although we’d never really planned for children (spending most of our time homeless or in and out of hotels and me being 36 to Raphael’s 46), having Ishaq come into our lives settled us in a way that’s hard to define as it just came naturally. It was easy to open our loop just a little more so that when things happened to us, it happened to him too. We were able to stay together when we were homeless in Chico, California at the Torres Shelter. We were all moved to Iowa to stay with my sister and we were all together when we took a bus to Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Ish as a baby 318755_1999848122427_1343497036_n  Mom and Ish Daddy and Ish

Ish made us better people. We’ve always tried to be as godly as possible, not in the traditional Christian sense as it’s taught in the church but in a real way, a way that makes us more peaceable and ready to serve. We’re nowhere near perfect but we love each other and others, or in the words of my husband,”We love – that’s how we roll”

Two days after Ish was killed and Raphael hurt, I received a message from the girl who hit them. She begged me for forgiveness and I, by the grace of God, immediately did so. I didn’t give it time for thought – I just said yes. I/we spoke with television stations, newspapers and just last month, Story Corps, affiliated with NPR Everyone has been amazed by our reaction. Forgiveness, it seems, is a stranger concept. Everyone has someone they can’t (or won’t – it’s a fine line) forgive – a parent, a friend, an ex, someone. I freely admit to having a very rocky relationship with my adoptive mother. I have recently made significant strides towards doing that as I want no hypocrisy in my life but had this horrible tragedy not happened, that probably wouldn’t have happened. Ishy (my nickname for him) changed so many lives, touched so many hearts in the 5 1/2 years he graced this world with his presence.20140711_120127 Through state after state, shelter to shelter and town to town, Ish made an impression on everyone he came across. When Ish died, I stopped thinking about suicide (have been suicidally-inclined virtually my whole life) and have been amazed that the thought has not once been considered in the 6 months he’s been gone.

We’re going to miss Ishy for the rest of our lives but we have been blessed to have had him in our life the length of time we did. We live our lives for God. We are best friends, talk about everything. Sometimes we get angry with each other but we forgive quick and go back to our normal life quick. We’ve taken new friends into our lives since the accident; the community having come around us. We forgave her immediate, the both of us, and it seems no one understands why. Like we’re some odd specimen of human no one has seen before. We’ve found ourselves in the position where we had to defend the killer of our son, so much hate has been directed at her. Some seem to think that the story is made up as they racially profile us (we have Muslim/Jewish names), hameedbut mostly they were heartbroken for us, contributing to the Go Fund account we set up to pay the bills until we could figure out the next step–Family. It’s taking so much longer than we would have liked but I’ve been taking care of him this whole time. I am not being paid for it, though that was the plan. But it doesn’t matter, we just have to trust God to keep us safely and I’ll be danged if he doesn’t do it month after month.

Forgive whoever you have a problem against – doesn’t matter who’s fault it is. Remove ego and you’ll find it much easier. God bless you!

My Signature

Making the best of the next two years

Author on Fire

10965_176068131255_846104_nI had it in my head that my publishing company ( and I had a five year contract; nope – seems we have a SEVEN  year contract so my book is available for 2 more years.

So far, from the economic view of things, it’s been an abysmal failure, selling virtually no copies to anyone other than myself and no royalties have been collected on it at all. It’s been very successful in the way that people that I know have received and read it. Some liked it; others found it dry and boring; ironic since I haven’t found most of my life either dry OR boring and this books is, at least in part, about my life. But whatever. Everyone’s a critic, right?

Anyway, like I said, I have 2 more years to revamp this thing and finish my current work, a continuation of View from within the Spirit ( It will be called Tested in the Spirit. I’m striving to make it better than the first and my sister, probably my greatest ally AND critic (who didn’t really like VFTS) likes this one, said it’s not dry at all. homer_woohoo

Can you help me? Can you help me by  buying my book? I’d sure appreciate it! BTW, it’s also available on Amazon ( for about $20 while America Star Books’ price, as you might guess, is more ($24.95).

Author on Fire

My Signature

Fans Demanded Dumb & Dumber Sequel, Stars Say

Featured Image -- 193

I loved the first and both these comedians are amazing. Can’t wait to see Lloyd and Harry again!

The Impossible is Happening


Come & See : -) Everyone needs a place to hide away from time to time!

Originally posted on Beautiful Life with Cancer:

All the lonely people gather here.

The worst of sinners welcome.

Sick people stand in line.  Deaf and dumb and blind.

Do not listen if you are rich.

Do not bother if you are wise.

The talented, the healthy, and the beautiful.

No need for your attendance.

He has come for those in need.

Those that have no home.

If you find yourself low and despicable, hated, and odd.

He’s come to do the impossible.

Bow on your knees.  And run to the son of God.

View original

The Church’s Role in Homelessness


I have noticed a pronounced elevation in spiritual conversation, with spiritual subjects (such as a 90 year old man going to jail because he broke man’s law and fed the homeless (God’s law)), his defiance making the news, even getting “promoted” on late night television shows. This is an example of comedians making a point – as humorously as possible (and yes, it cracked me up, too).


But, think about it, when Jesus was on earth, was he famous everywhere? Or was he famous only in places where he could provide someone with a meal, with healing, with raising from the dead? If he hadn’t been able to do any of those things, we’d have never heard anything from or about him – ever.


We need to retrain our brain; find our peace with regards to what we believe and whom and gear our mentality around that, not with a closed mind as so many churches do, allowing the government to tell them what they can and can not preach. What they can and cannot do with their churches, etc. The church is suppose to be akin to an EMT or Firefighter- on call and ready to respond to whatever crisis arises. The church’s responsibility is to put their words into practice, not for tax breaks and to be seen of men, but to take care of a problem that’s only getting worse as everyone fights about whose responsibility is ISN’T. If people weren’t sitting around hungry and cold, it’d be no big deal having churches full of people every week, preaching to each other; however, that’s not the case. There are hungry people. Feed them.  There are homeless people. Shelter them and find a way to get them on their feet, starting with the ones who are willing and ready to  help you help them. Children should have a home. Stop being so lazy and apathetic and do what you need to do. Stop worrying about the cost. Don’t you think that God will give you what you need if you’re doing what He told you to do? Besides, the reward far outweighs the cost, no matter how expensive it gets (and there are rich Christians so put your money where your mouths are). There shouldn’t be mega churches when there are so many people needing help, so if you have one, I expect to see the homeless population drop and if it doesn’t, then you’re not doing your job.

Yeah, I know. Who am I am why do I feel I can talk to anyone like this. My name is Heidi. I can’t do much, I’m too (financially) broke, but I can run my mouth like anyone can and I have the spirit of God in me and a lot of time to think about stuff. So, this is what I think about, how to make the church better, from WITHIN because it’s a fact that our own worst enemies are usually ourselves. I have to use the skills and talents God gave me, too, or I can’t say anything to anyone.

This is what I want you to think about:  is this contrast right – and how can you fix it ?




More importantly, which one do you think God sees as first? Why could you not join them together (combine) so that people are no longer homeless and the buildings are put to actual good use?

Can I get some feedback?


Hello, everyone! giphyI’ve been being told for some time now that it’s time for me to write a new book. This one is for the purpose of reaching those that society tends to forget, i.e., those without money, influence, hope.

I’ve only written one book; uh actually make that PUBLISHED one book, View from Within the Spirit and frankly, although it was important for me to do it (no one can take away the fact I was/am published), it basically went over like a lead balloon. lead balloon

I’m a thinking person. I’m a person of little self esteem though its not BAD self esteem. This is to say that I realize I have intrinsic value. I think that a word I could use in describing myself is self effacing. I’m one of those weird people who are extremely aware of themselves, having been homeless a lot and therefore had lots of time to self evaluate. Having done so, combined with the love and leadership of my mate and husband, I’ve come to recognize the good side of myself – and the bad. I have trouble thinking too much of myself because I’m so aware that thinking too much of myself is tantamount to arrogance and one can’t be humble and arrogant at the same time.

Now that my husband, Raphael, who was horribly injured in a car accident 3 months ago (at the same time our son was killed) is disabled, I have shitloads of time on my hands. I can’t go out and find work because I’m full time caregiver to him and I can’t just sit around all day and do nothing, having been working since I was “knee-high to a grasshopper”. So I write- or would if I could just remove the barrier that’s standing in front of me.

What barrier you might ask? Why the one brought about from a life of being me, a pathetic childhood, my own being Heidi and who knows why else. Unfortunately, that’s the best way I can define it. If I could be more definitive, I would be.

Which brings me right back to the point of writing this blog. I’d love some feedback, given there are so many writers in here.

What’s the best way to do it? Should I write it as non fiction? Should it be fiction so that it’s more interesting to people. Sermons are boring (who here has gone to church and ended up going to sleep through yet another sermon?) while tales are moderately more interesting and can be just as informative.

I welcome your input, for real. I thank you for your help.


My Signature


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 694 other followers