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It’s been almost a year, Ishy

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July 8, 2015 will be one year since you left us, Ish. A lot of stuff has changed in the last year – and surprisingly little at the same time. If you were here, you would know exactly what I mean, despite your young age, as you would be 6 years old as of last December. You would have started school this year. I always wondered why my gut didn’t tell me it was time to start  preparing you for your start in kindegarden – now I know that God knew you would not be here.

Your dad is healing, as you know. He’s WP_20150210_10_04_09_Pro healing every day. We both miss you but he’s more…emotional about it than I tend to be though I miss you just as much. We have a “Wall of Ish” in our new apartment – you’d love this apartment – so much more room for you to Tigger-bounce around in.

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WallofIshaq44 I’m sure you remember these – you completed them in preschool and I wish I had you around to watch you learn more and more about the planets you were clearly interested in – and you had such potential. God, Ishy, though I would NOT bring you back even if I could – and in many ways, envy you already having passed this life and graduated into your new home, I still miss you so much. I trust you are taking care of Jude and visiting with your grandpa who, though never having had anything to do with you while you were alive, has likely reached a new level of understanding far surpassing my own. While you were on earth, you had nothing – and you had everything. You really ever had one home, as we moved around a lot and were homeless often, but you had two parents who would both have happily have lain down dead for you. We did our best, taught you right, didn’t let you get away with just any old thing. You were so smart, honey. We miss you every day.

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You and me in Chico, California on a hot summer’s day (hence the heightened darkness) in front of the book store we went to for the purpose of accessing the Internet.

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Also in Chico, at the park. This is a picture I created with you and Daddy long before you went to be with God. So glad I still have it.

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You laying in the leaves at Aunt Joanna’s house in Iowa City, IA, you playing with Shay, your cousin.

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One of few family pictures we have from our time in northern California, this one at that motel we stayed at for months. You remember- you locked yourself in and sat there laughing at us while Daddy climbed in tiny little window to get to you. LOL You were really something, my son.

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You sitting on my bad at the Torres Shelter in Chico, CA, working on your letters and numbers. You were so smart, Ishy.

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You sitting on the bed pretending my remote was a phone. You were sucha little card. 😉

I walk past your memorial site all the time. It’s still right there, where you died. There are 2 giant bears and two smaller ones. People come by all the time; I know because I can see when they’re changed around or set back up or whatever. Ishy, though you didn’t meet too many people, you made people love you. Not hard at all, my son – very easy, in fact.10421279_10152696447426256_1167706044977691652_n The lady who sent you to heaven is in a program for felons called COMCOR. We’ve gone to her family’s house and broke bread. We’ve spent time together with her son who was about a year younger than you. You and he and his cousin would all have been wonderful friends.

Daddy and I haven’t changed all that much. Our way of life has, I guess, but our attitudes are much the same; we still like spending time together talking like we always have since we met.

I can’t wait to come home, Ish. I can’t wait to spend time with you in your current form as I know it will be different by the time we see each other again. I still hope to meet you brother, Karl, and your sister, Katrina, again once they try to find me and I still believe they will.

I will see you soon, honey. Keep a spot open for me and Daddy.

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All my love,

Your Momma

Peace of Mind or Piece of Retribution

Hello, Friends!

Six months ago, my husband and my life changed forever. Our much beloved son, Ishaq, was killedV__2860 and my husband severely injured when they were struck by a car on a dangerous road going way too fast. The driver was going too fast, tried to over correct and came at them at more than 50 mph and killed Ish immediately. Raphael (daddy) was thrown more than 41 feet back into the parking lot. Suffice it to say that his tibia (shin bone) was sticking through his skin (which is why I won’t show you the picture – it’s REALLY gruesome) leading to amputation of his leg below his knee. His pelvis was an “open book” fracture (which means that the front area that protects the bladder was completely open, setting his bladder outside of the pelvis). His right shoulder was also broken, requiring surgeries and pins. His femur also had to have pins put in it from the 2 breaks it sustained. WP_20140712_09_25_19_Pro 10537127_10152114973671256_4655963110831394502_n

Losing Ish was a huge blow – he was our pride and joy and like all parents, we would have died for him. Raphael and I were married 3 years before Ishaq came along – although we’d never really planned for children (spending most of our time homeless or in and out of hotels and me being 36 to Raphael’s 46), having Ishaq come into our lives settled us in a way that’s hard to define as it just came naturally. It was easy to open our loop just a little more so that when things happened to us, it happened to him too. We were able to stay together when we were homeless in Chico, California at the Torres Shelter. We were all moved to Iowa to stay with my sister and we were all together when we took a bus to Colorado Springs, Colorado.

Ish as a baby 318755_1999848122427_1343497036_n  Mom and Ish Daddy and Ish

Ish made us better people. We’ve always tried to be as godly as possible, not in the traditional Christian sense as it’s taught in the church but in a real way, a way that makes us more peaceable and ready to serve. We’re nowhere near perfect but we love each other and others, or in the words of my husband,”We love – that’s how we roll”

Two days after Ish was killed and Raphael hurt, I received a message from the girl who hit them. She begged me for forgiveness and I, by the grace of God, immediately did so. I didn’t give it time for thought – I just said yes. I/we spoke with television stations, newspapers and just last month, Story Corps, affiliated with NPR http://storycorps.org/?p=56810. Everyone has been amazed by our reaction. Forgiveness, it seems, is a stranger concept. Everyone has someone they can’t (or won’t – it’s a fine line) forgive – a parent, a friend, an ex, someone. I freely admit to having a very rocky relationship with my adoptive mother. I have recently made significant strides towards doing that as I want no hypocrisy in my life but had this horrible tragedy not happened, that probably wouldn’t have happened. Ishy (my nickname for him) changed so many lives, touched so many hearts in the 5 1/2 years he graced this world with his presence.20140711_120127 Through state after state, shelter to shelter and town to town, Ish made an impression on everyone he came across. When Ish died, I stopped thinking about suicide (have been suicidally-inclined virtually my whole life) and have been amazed that the thought has not once been considered in the 6 months he’s been gone.

We’re going to miss Ishy for the rest of our lives but we have been blessed to have had him in our life the length of time we did. We live our lives for God. We are best friends, talk about everything. Sometimes we get angry with each other but we forgive quick and go back to our normal life quick. We’ve taken new friends into our lives since the accident; the community having come around us. We forgave her immediate, the both of us, and it seems no one understands why. Like we’re some odd specimen of human no one has seen before. We’ve found ourselves in the position where we had to defend the killer of our son, so much hate has been directed at her. Some seem to think that the story is made up as they racially profile us (we have Muslim/Jewish names), hameedbut mostly they were heartbroken for us, contributing to the Go Fund account we set up to pay the bills until we could figure out the next step http://www.gofundme.com/Ishaq-Hammed–Family. It’s taking so much longer than we would have liked but I’ve been taking care of him this whole time. I am not being paid for it, though that was the plan. But it doesn’t matter, we just have to trust God to keep us safely and I’ll be danged if he doesn’t do it month after month.

Forgive whoever you have a problem against – doesn’t matter who’s fault it is. Remove ego and you’ll find it much easier. God bless you!

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I Miss You, Ish

163964_10151330205586256_63114518_n  I miss you, Ish. Every day when I wake up, I expect to see your face looking at me, lying next to me, and when you’re still not there I grab your pillow- the one you wrote on- and hug it to my chest, pushing it to my nose like I do to capture any smell of you that might exist. This morning was no different. I sit and look at pictures of you and the art you completed in preschool and I wish you were still here.

Your Daddy is healing physically. He cries for you a lot. It’s really hard not having you here. Your Aunt Joanna and cousins are planning to move out here to Colorado once their school year is out. Claymore took your death really hard. They all know; some understand better than others. Michael and you were the same age, pretty much so I don’t think he understands but Trevalyn and Shalandria know as well.

299147_10150316549316256_1843186379_nWhen I focus on your face, mentally, I can almost feel you close enough to touch. I remember how it felt to hug you and want it again; for you to be in my arms again, so badly!!

I don’t know why this happened, sweetheart. Why you and Daddy were hit. Why you were killed. Why Daddy was so badly hurt. I don’t know why God allowed you to live only five and a half years. Maybe He’ll tell me some day.

I love you, Baby Boy.  Most days I manage to get through. I laugh and joke and talk to people. I think of you all the time. I’m disappointed you never got to meet Karl and Katrina, your brother and sister. A thousand times a day things happen that make me want you to be around to see and learn. Daddy and I must utter “Ish would have…” ten times a day.

I know you’re with God now. We’re on our way; don’t know how long it’ll be but Daddy and I will see your amazing face again. I’ll never say Goodbye to you, only See you soon.

I love you forever,

Your Momma

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**When God Called You**

We little knew that morning

God was going to call your name.

In life we loved you dearly.

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

You did not go alone,

For part of us went with you,

The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories.

Your love is still our guide.

And though we cannot see you,

You are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken.

Nothing seems the same.

But as God calls us one by one

The chain will link again

–  Ron Tranmer

He Loves you Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis Much!!

Innocent This morning as I sat on the bench, waiting for the bus, I looked around me and thought about the day I was facing, sitting here in Colorado Springs, looking at the Rocky Mountains. 

As always, when I look at those mountains, not that far away from me, I realize yet again how much I love this place. See, as a lot of you know who’ve read my stuff, I’ve moved around a lot! I’ve been from the east to the west and back to the middle. I’ve lived in various towns in each state, especially Iowa, but you know? I find that aside from Maine where I lived as a child and still hold in high esteem because of whatever reason, I like – no, make that LOVE – Colorado. It’s beautiful. It’s peaceful (yes, of course they have crime here but thus far, I’ve managed to escape any physical harm that could come to me or my family- thank you to my God who holds me in the palm of his hand) and I could easily live out the rest of my days right here in Colorado. 

And another thing that passed through my mind is how much he loves me…how much he loves YOU! I remember the old “I love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much” when we were kids and seeing our own kids do it and you know what? I think that’s what God’s trying to say to us. 

Yes, he hates sin and injustice- no question- but he also loves righteousness and people with neighborly hearts. He loves it when we put ourselves to the side and reach out to people who need a hand up. God has a passion for us- far above what we could ever ask or think. When Jesus came to earth to live a life for us to learn from and take those lessons to live our own lives, He did that so that we would never have to face what he was going to face FOR us. We, as human beings, even as human beings perhaps raised in the church can  and will never fully understand this concept because our biggest fear might be dying of cancer, getting chewed up and spit out of farm machinery and those things might be excruciating at the onset but they are temporary pain that will end and be remembered no more; the pain that Jesus dealt with was a direct result of himself- a righteous man – taking on the punishment of millions, perhaps trillions of people, the vast majority of whom would not even appreciate -or care- what he did for them. That totally blows my mindTHAT’s LOVE, ya’ll. It’s not some squishy feeling and fast beating heart…it’s the knowledge that our HUSBAND, who is the Lord, paid the ULTIMATE sacrifice for us so that we would be granted “diplomatic immunity”.

For our human understanding, it would be tantamount to our lawyer going to prison for us…that’s such an amazing thought. 

And he wants you to know; he’s caused me to know that he did it for YOU. He did it for ME. Doesn’t MATTER if we believe it; doesn’t matter if we ever do anything about the knowledge; it happened whether or not we believe. He did it because he wanted to do it, because it was part of THE PLAN.

Ok, well, I’ve run on long enough and you know I could escape an opportunity to put Dean and Sammy on here if I could get away with it. Gotta feed the addiction  cause I LOVE my Supernaturaland find it to be one of the most awesome shows EVER!!

Happy birthday, Ishaq Shalom Hameed

Today, my baby turns four years old! Ishaq Shalom Hameed is the light of his mommy and daddy’s world. He is the child neither one truly expected and from one parent’s perspective (Mom) a living, breathing example of redemption and for the other(Dad), someone that he will protect for the rest of Ishy’s life and nobody will ever come between, no matter what.

See, Ish was born to older parents and by older, I mean parents in their 30’s and 40’s. Now, four years later, that’s 40’s and 50’s. We’re blessed, make so mistake about that but we’re scared as well. Daddy is a daddy for the first time in his late 40’s and Mommy has had two before that she was unable to keep (as is described in her “Love Letter to Karl and Katrina) and then along came Ish, in her late 30’s. As though this isn’t enough of a reason to be scared, we’re also homeless, staying with a man and his childish 40 year old son and some other guy no one is sure HOW he got in the picture. Ish deserves to be safe and happy and CONSIDERED as if he’s a PERSON and not just part of the woodwork. We try our best to keep him safe and now that he’s in school, neither of us ever having had the experience of putting a child in school (preschool), all we’re going through is new to us.

We love our son and praise and thank God daily for this precious gift to us and to the world for he’s named so intentionally! Yes, he’s named after his grandfather, who gave his life for this country and for raising Raphael until his death (story available in View from Within the Spirit). But it’s so much more. Ishaq is Aramaic for Isaac, which means CHILD OF LAUGHTER; Shalom means PEACE; and Hameed means PRAISEWORTHY.

Speak LIFE into your kids. They’re the next generation- the future and it’s up to US as parents to give them as good a start in life as possible and with GOD in our corner-there’s no way that we can fail, if we keep vigilant and steady.

Ish, you are our pride and joy. We will protect you and love you and yes, we’ll screw up periodically because we’re human, learning and not always certain that what we’re doing is right. In this world, there’s too much confusion, too much anger, too much SIN and we’re walking examples of the Power of God sustaining individuals who’s walked and loved God and fell down and got back up.