Tag Archive | Family

It’s been almost a year, Ishy

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July 8, 2015 will be one year since you left us, Ish. A lot of stuff has changed in the last year – and surprisingly little at the same time. If you were here, you would know exactly what I mean, despite your young age, as you would be 6 years old as of last December. You would have started school this year. I always wondered why my gut didn’t tell me it was time to start  preparing you for your start in kindegarden – now I know that God knew you would not be here.

Your dad is healing, as you know. He’s WP_20150210_10_04_09_Pro healing every day. We both miss you but he’s more…emotional about it than I tend to be though I miss you just as much. We have a “Wall of Ish” in our new apartment – you’d love this apartment – so much more room for you to Tigger-bounce around in.

WallofIshaq

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WallofIshaq44 I’m sure you remember these – you completed them in preschool and I wish I had you around to watch you learn more and more about the planets you were clearly interested in – and you had such potential. God, Ishy, though I would NOT bring you back even if I could – and in many ways, envy you already having passed this life and graduated into your new home, I still miss you so much. I trust you are taking care of Jude and visiting with your grandpa who, though never having had anything to do with you while you were alive, has likely reached a new level of understanding far surpassing my own. While you were on earth, you had nothing – and you had everything. You really ever had one home, as we moved around a lot and were homeless often, but you had two parents who would both have happily have lain down dead for you. We did our best, taught you right, didn’t let you get away with just any old thing. You were so smart, honey. We miss you every day.

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You and me in Chico, California on a hot summer’s day (hence the heightened darkness) in front of the book store we went to for the purpose of accessing the Internet.

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Also in Chico, at the park. This is a picture I created with you and Daddy long before you went to be with God. So glad I still have it.

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You laying in the leaves at Aunt Joanna’s house in Iowa City, IA, you playing with Shay, your cousin.

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One of few family pictures we have from our time in northern California, this one at that motel we stayed at for months. You remember- you locked yourself in and sat there laughing at us while Daddy climbed in tiny little window to get to you. LOL You were really something, my son.

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You sitting on my bad at the Torres Shelter in Chico, CA, working on your letters and numbers. You were so smart, Ishy.

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You sitting on the bed pretending my remote was a phone. You were sucha little card. 😉

I walk past your memorial site all the time. It’s still right there, where you died. There are 2 giant bears and two smaller ones. People come by all the time; I know because I can see when they’re changed around or set back up or whatever. Ishy, though you didn’t meet too many people, you made people love you. Not hard at all, my son – very easy, in fact.10421279_10152696447426256_1167706044977691652_n The lady who sent you to heaven is in a program for felons called COMCOR. We’ve gone to her family’s house and broke bread. We’ve spent time together with her son who was about a year younger than you. You and he and his cousin would all have been wonderful friends.

Daddy and I haven’t changed all that much. Our way of life has, I guess, but our attitudes are much the same; we still like spending time together talking like we always have since we met.

I can’t wait to come home, Ish. I can’t wait to spend time with you in your current form as I know it will be different by the time we see each other again. I still hope to meet you brother, Karl, and your sister, Katrina, again once they try to find me and I still believe they will.

I will see you soon, honey. Keep a spot open for me and Daddy.

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All my love,

Your Momma

Making the best of the next two years

Author on Fire

10965_176068131255_846104_nI had it in my head that my publishing company (http://www.americastarbooks.com) and I had a five year contract; nope – seems we have a SEVEN  year contract so my book is available for 2 more years.

So far, from the economic view of things, it’s been an abysmal failure, selling virtually no copies to anyone other than myself and no royalties have been collected on it at all. It’s been very successful in the way that people that I know have received and read it. Some liked it; others found it dry and boring; ironic since I haven’t found most of my life either dry OR boring and this books is, at least in part, about my life. But whatever. Everyone’s a critic, right?

Anyway, like I said, I have 2 more years to revamp this thing and finish my current work, a continuation of View from within the Spirit (http://www.americastarbooks.net/view-from-within-the-spirit_moreinfo.html). It will be called Tested in the Spirit. I’m striving to make it better than the first and my sister, probably my greatest ally AND critic (who didn’t really like VFTS) likes this one, said it’s not dry at all. homer_woohoo

Can you help me? Can you help me by  buying my book? I’d sure appreciate it! BTW, it’s also available on Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/View-Within-Spirit-HiJoy/dp/1615465294/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415806251&sr=8-1&keywords=view+from+within+the+spirit) for about $20 while America Star Books’ price, as you might guess, is more ($24.95).

Author on Fire

My Signature

I Miss You, Ish

163964_10151330205586256_63114518_n  I miss you, Ish. Every day when I wake up, I expect to see your face looking at me, lying next to me, and when you’re still not there I grab your pillow- the one you wrote on- and hug it to my chest, pushing it to my nose like I do to capture any smell of you that might exist. This morning was no different. I sit and look at pictures of you and the art you completed in preschool and I wish you were still here.

Your Daddy is healing physically. He cries for you a lot. It’s really hard not having you here. Your Aunt Joanna and cousins are planning to move out here to Colorado once their school year is out. Claymore took your death really hard. They all know; some understand better than others. Michael and you were the same age, pretty much so I don’t think he understands but Trevalyn and Shalandria know as well.

299147_10150316549316256_1843186379_nWhen I focus on your face, mentally, I can almost feel you close enough to touch. I remember how it felt to hug you and want it again; for you to be in my arms again, so badly!!

I don’t know why this happened, sweetheart. Why you and Daddy were hit. Why you were killed. Why Daddy was so badly hurt. I don’t know why God allowed you to live only five and a half years. Maybe He’ll tell me some day.

I love you, Baby Boy.  Most days I manage to get through. I laugh and joke and talk to people. I think of you all the time. I’m disappointed you never got to meet Karl and Katrina, your brother and sister. A thousand times a day things happen that make me want you to be around to see and learn. Daddy and I must utter “Ish would have…” ten times a day.

I know you’re with God now. We’re on our way; don’t know how long it’ll be but Daddy and I will see your amazing face again. I’ll never say Goodbye to you, only See you soon.

I love you forever,

Your Momma

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**When God Called You**

We little knew that morning

God was going to call your name.

In life we loved you dearly.

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

You did not go alone,

For part of us went with you,

The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories.

Your love is still our guide.

And though we cannot see you,

You are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken.

Nothing seems the same.

But as God calls us one by one

The chain will link again

–  Ron Tranmer

If I walked into the middle of the street, naked, would you notice me then?

I have been trying to find a way to get attention. Yeah, I said it…I need attention like a cab driver needs a fare; like a surgeon needs a patient; like we need God.

From what I’ve observed over the last few years, there are two primary way to accomplish this goal: there’s the legal, straight-as-an-arrow-method or there’s the point-a-gun-and-demand-your-money-now-approach. The latter is (obviously) illegal as  hell but highly effective, particularly if you aren’t caught within the next five minutes. As I have been, for 40 years, I tend to cling to option number one; I have two things that keep me from following after option number two: a super sensitive conscience and a healthy fear of that small a room. sam and dean in  jail I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, particularly in these end days, but the ones who walk the straight and narrow- usually fall by the wayside. In this day and age, if you don’t have connections or money- you don’t get seen. You could walk into the road, stark naked and people would just continue to go about their lives, either angrily honking their horns and swerving or perhaps start throwing money for  me to PUT MY CLOTHES BACK ON, DEAR LORD!

The rest of the day they’d be wailing, “I’m bliiiiiiiiiiiiind, I’m bliiiiiiiiiiiind!”  I'm blindGetting into 20 car pile ups and walking into walls! 

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 hitting the wall

I’m an author and a writer; I have been both for a long time; long before my book was published, but not long enough for anyone to notice or, frankly, for me to develop the self esteem or killer instinct needed to be a good salesman. I started out in school, writing stories and such, like almost anyone who’s ever attended school. And I loved it! I found a wonderful outlet for my inner turmoil. And I’ve been writing ever since. I never thought that  I would ever be able to publish a book – I simply never considered it because I thought I wasn’t “good enough”. My husband told me I should try to publish my memoir, View from Within the Spirit, and so I did; first I tried New York Literary Agency and they liked the book. Viewfromwithinthespirit  After a period of time and no one bought it, they sent it back and I started the process again. Someone told me about Publish America on Face Book and I went to them. The creating of the book, binding, cover, etc., was done by PA; the selling – getting people  to buy it – was up to me and without a person to help, I SEE myself as a hopeless failure, though my husband totally disagrees and says I ought not to feel or see that way;that the book got to whom it needed to: friends, relatives, etc. I’ve never known him to be wrong  about this kind of thing so I guess it’s ME that needs the work and the patience. I just hope that God opens the door for it to be read, bought and bring in a royalty to help us out before we end up homeless yet again. Naturally, the primary question is WHY SHOULD I BUY FROM YOU and truth be told, there isn’t a reason in the world that you should…But I still hope you will. Hell, you have $20 to go to the movie, you can buy this book (through Amazon). You spend more than that on a bikini wax and this book might just tell you something that you need to know, the information or ideas far beyond anything you can get thinking only of earthly, temporary stuff; give you an idea on how to live that you never considered before. 

I hate selling because I hate pissing contests and you can’t have one without the other. I hate selling because I am just a poor woman, blessed with an incredible family and all I want to do is provide for them; give them a safe place to live and room to run around in. I’m not trying to get rich- could care less about that- wealth has it’s own drawbacks. I’m just trying to provide, that is all.

 Daddy and Ish   

Ishy 

Mom and Ish

I tend to be a self beater.  Self BeatingNot in the physical sense;  in the emotional and psychological sense.Hitler, Mussolini, neither of these men am I (thank God, right?!). They might have been (what we deem to be) evil incarnate, but it wasn’t for a lack of people-power but rather misused powers of persuasion. I don’t have that problem. From the time I could stand, talk, form sentences, I’ve always blended in. When I was child, my sister and I were in foster care. She’s  15 months younger than I am and I was always her protector.  As I grew older, I came to see that “attention” was overrated and started to retreat into myself. I was already getting “disciplined” <i.e. spanked with an inch-thick metal ruler> for sins that I might or might not be guilty of, depending on what it was and I have a very low threshold for pain so NOT being seen was better than BEING seen. As a result of being a foster kid, then an adopted kid with very little ability or permission to vent or release pent-up emotion, I learned to be a “wall flower”. I’m not even 100% sure that’s a bad thing; I only know it won’t help me when  it comes to selling my book(s). I know I have talent-convincing others of it is what the problem is. I don’t stand out in any particular way. Maybe this is destiny; maybe it’s just the way it is but I’ll never know unless I try. I have two primary things in my favor: I’m a child of God, fully assured of my salvation even though I don’t deserve it and I’m stubborn as hell. When I decide to do something, I’ll keep doing it, visible rewards or not. 

I’ll end this with a dare: I dare you to visit my webpage and sign the guestbook…I really do dare you. I will get back a hold of you, I promise. http://hijoyhameed.webs.com/ is the address.  See you there! I-Love_U1